Long time gone

I haven't wrote in close to a year, actually it's not that I haven't had anything to write about. I guess I mainly write to clear things out in my own head, and honestly I had no desire to write. Last night was the first night that I thought about writing, this time it wasn't about my kids, or my animals. It was basically on how numb I am over the news about my Grace. People tell me that I am so strong, and that I am inspirational. I hate to break it to you, but I am neither of those. I have cried more tears in the last two days than I can remember in a long time. My eyes were so puffy today that I even put Preperation H on them to take down the swelling. I am not sure if it helped, actually I cried harder because I got some in my eyes. It kinda felt good to cry then, at least then I was crying because of a physical pain. I am mad, actually pretty pissed off. I don't understand, and my faith is being tested. I am praying so much these days, and honestly I don't even know what I am praying for, or who I am praying too. It seems as though I am praying to the same person that is allowing cancer to take over her body to save her? Her family is my family, and I love them. I love her like I love my own children. I know the fear of losing a child. It was 3 years ago and I sat along side of Hannah's bed when she was in ICU and the Doctor told me that I needed to pray. At that point I had the real fear of losing my child. I have that same fear of losing Grace. I keep my phone right along side of me at night in case she texts me. Because I am so scared of the day that she isn't going to be there. Yes we got the diagnosis last Summer and this trial was simply that a trial. But it gave us hope! I don't freaking understand how we can live in the year 2014 and we can take our phones press a button and in a matter of seconds FaceTime with someone that clear across the world, but still we can't find a cure for something that is way more important than that. I am so angry with God. I know that I haven't always leaned on him when I should have. I haven't always listened to his words, but isn't your parent's suppose to love you no matter what? Aren't they suppose to always want what's best for their child. Well God - Grace is your child too, and where are you? Where are you? If your beside her, well maybe you should take your hands and rip that damn cancer out of her. She needs to live, I need her to live, I want her to live for her family. She has so much to offer this world, and she is a child God. She is your child. It's hard not to break right now. I am scared, I am so scared.