High Heels and Dirty Dishes # 7

This week’s article was pretty much completed and then I watched the news tonight. My family was featured for the “Because I Can” project that is in memory of my brother. It was a nice feature, although on a personal note the camera needs to learn that up high and at an angle really would have been nice for me who has a “round” face. I would have even preferred a voice over. I looked at the TV and thought to myself, “I am so much prettier in person”. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, I am thinking more like 50, and a couple of chins. I didn’t really focus on the message, I was more like “she should have zoomed out”, or “man that zit on my forehead looks huge”, or my favorite “I should have tucked in that t-shirt”. Actually I had a hard time other than my physical deformities with watching it. Seeing Ryan’s face, hearing them say he died, made it real. Why is it 4 years later when I read that it happened, or hearing it on the news makes it all real. It is as though I play a game in head that makes me almost believe that he is off working, and it didn’t happen. It takes me breath away. For about a year after he died once a week I would go on the funeral website and see his obituary just to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming it. If that isn’t messed up I don’t know what is. I was reading this article a couple of days ago about what a person would do if they were given only 48 hours to live. One person was going to sky dive, the other was to give away all of their money, many would tell their family one by one how much they loved then, and so on. I would do none of those things. I would make sure that my house was clean and all of my junk drawers were organized, I don’t want to be known as a messy dead person. I wouldn’t sky dive, are you kidding me? I conquered my robust fear of heights last year and got on a step ladder and made it to the 3rd step from the top and didn’t scream. Granted I would tell my family that I loved them, but if I miss a couple of them. . . well they should already know and not take it personal. The thing is I need to take as much time as possible at the funeral home. My main fear about my death is my funeral, specifically my funeral board. I don’t want a funeral video. I need to approve all of the pictures of me that go on that board before my death. I have a tendency to take really bad pictures, no I am not kidding. I mean REALLY BAD PICTURES. They are so bad that during the year at random times my cousins Emily and Kelly will send me pictures of me, just to get a reaction. This week was no exception. I could blame it on alcohol, but unfortunately I don’t drink that often anymore. So many people these days have Facebook and smartphones, and when a picture is taken of them someone will usually say, “Don’t put that on Facebook”. I do say that too, but more often than none I think to myself, “Self that better not go on my funeral board”. Now you may say to yourself that “When you are dead you don’t really care”. My question back to you is “How do you know, have you ever been dead”? See. . . I told you! On a side note: I have found that in my last 7 weeks writing this article a new zest for life, thank you to all of the readers who have emailed, called, or stop me in the street. I appreciate it so much. Yes, what I sometimes write about can be a little edgy, but it is real. Underneath all of the Estee Lauder is a person with a colon just like you. Until next week my friends. Allison Enge highhealsanddirtydishes@yahoo.com

High Heels and Dirty Dishes Column 6

I’m finally home, 6 days over 1,000 miles later we made it home last night about 10:30. After spending three days at the Wisconsin Dells I was extremely comfortable wearing a swimming suit. I was a little nervous but I feel if the 80 year old man next to me feels ok wearing a hammock, well I can bust out the swimming suit and not fuss with the one that had the "Mom" skirt attached. It was fun, exhausting, and a new experience. One night we took the kids to a fancy place to eat. Hannah ordered "Market Priced" crab legs. I for a brief moment felt like brother Aric and was all "Monied Up" and didn't ask the price. In our resort the next day Nolan ordered mini corn dogs and fries and it was over $13. I firmly said, "You better eat all of them and lick the ketchup because that was expensive". He put his head down and mumbled, "Hannah can order a $50 meal and you don't say a word, I order $13 corn dogs and the world ends". I smiled and said, "Yup now eat". No matter how much we attempted to please everyone on the trip, something always wasn’t good for one of the kids. We were either spending too much time focusing on Nolan and not enough on Hannah, or we liked Hannah more than we liked Nolan. I’m sorry but on more than one occasion on the trip, I didn’t want to claim either one or both of my kids. “Who are these kids and why are they yelling MOM”, kept on playing over and over in my head. On Monday we drove to Minneapolis, stayed downtown in a nice hotel and went to a Twins game. The kids walking into the hotel reminded me of when the Beverly Hillbillies first came to California. Hannah was trying to be all cool, while Nolan was running from one end to the next because his shoes slid on the marble floors. I had to remind myself that he is 10, but why is it that farting is so cool when you 10 and you don’t care where you are at cause its fun? Example: Hotel Elevator in the Hyatt Downtown. Next time I think that a Holiday Inn will be more our style, or a cattle barn for that matter. The next morning Hannah had this desire to go shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue, I don’t know what show she has been watching or magazine but in her head she was buying something there. So we went, and her eyes just about popped out of her head when she seen the prices. I didn’t say, “I told you so”, because that would have caused eye rolling and a complete inability to form words or look at me. I think that her ordering crab legs might have gone to her head. I hope that it didn’t because we have a few years before she is off the payroll. Her poor husband . . . "yes mom and dad I realize the apple didn't fall far from the tree", and Janice I know. . ."Tree/Nut". She was trying to be all cool in Saks, and it was at that moment that the Cajun food we had at The Dells decided to kick in for me. Anyone that says that love is the best feeling in the world has never been on floor 1 of Saks Fifth Avenue and realizing that in order to make it to the bathroom you need to go up 3 floors, walk around to the back corner of the store to where the clearance seasonal items are located to open up the door to walk into the bathroom and go. The best feeling in the world is actually making it to the bathroom with your dignity. I’m sorry Saks may be a nice place, but a place like that should have private bathrooms. I hate public restrooms, but at that moment I didn’t care. Yes my friends I was THAT person in Saks. You know, we have all encountered them before while going to the bathroom. It’s fun to go on vacation, try new foods, and see new things. But I am telling you there is no place like home, there is no place like my own bathroom, and there is nothing better than looking at your kids while yelling, “If you’re gonna fight and kill each other get outside cause I just shampooed the carpets”. I am counting down the days till school starts, and this year I am again going to not take a picture of my kids when they get on the bus. I will take a picture of myself smiling from ear to ear when they are off to school. The house will be quiet, no one to clean up after, and that last cookie will still be there when I want it, and maybe boring. But to be perfectly honest, I like boring. Until next week my friends Allison Enge highheelsanddirtydishes@yahoo.com

High Heels and Dirty Dishes Column 5

Well being a parent this week certainly has had it’s challenges.  We are on a 6 day family vacation, and I know that when I get home I am going to need a vacation from my vacation.  Our first stop was yesterday in Duluth and we were down on Canal Street.  I asked to take a picture of Nolan and he grumbled, “NO PICTURES”.  I got a little upset, well I got a lot upset and pulled out the “When you get older you are going to want to look at these pictures and remember our family vacation”.  So I did get a picture and he looks pained in the picture, extremely pained. . . . Kind of like he just left the dentist office and had a root canal.  Then there was the car ride with two kids arguing over who was taking too much room.  So my kids found out that there is a river in the middle of the seat and if someone crossed it their legs would be swallowed up and they wouldn’t be able to swim at The Wisconsin Dells.  This was just a simple exaggeration on my part.  Well the kids started acting like there was actually a river, this definitely backfired on my part.  “He is looking at me”, “Nolan is eating all of the beef jerky”, and my favorite, “Hannah just kicked me in the head”.  Oh my word this is going to be a long trip and we aren’t going to actually get to The Dells till Saturday.  Before we left we packed every electronic device possible, and the cords have their own carrying case. We have ipods, ipads, iphones, DS’s, PSP’s, Kindle Fire’s, and laptops.   I looked at them before we left and thought that it was foolish that we take all of this along, that whatever happened to the games “I Spy With My Little Eye”, or “The License Plate Game”, and so on.  Well the thing is I love my kids but those games are games that I like to play when we are making the 3 ½ mile trip from my house into town.  Not the games that I would like to play on a 10 hour 6 day vacation with the kids.  Bring on the electronics, it will keep them quiet for a time, and hopefully cut down on the terrible thing of one kid actually looking at the other kid, which turns into a major meltdown.  Where is that family on tv when the kids go on vacation they look so nice in the pictures?  I realized that family is not real, and they don’t exist.  I am going to have to photoshop most of our pictures to portray the idea of them actually liking each other.  When we get home the kids will have had fun, I will be broke, and they will be planning their next vacation.  I will be planning my next vacation too.  Mine will be when everyone is gone and the house is quiet, the movie “Lonesome Dove” will be playing on TV, and no one will ask “How many more miles”.  Until next week my friends.

Allison Enge

Thief River Falls, MN

Highheelsanddirtydishes@yahoo.com

High Heels and Dirty Dishes #4

Just when I think that my years of “Stupid Choices” were behind me, I totally topped the cake and folded into “Middle Aged Pressure” and signed up with a bunch of my friends to do this “Uff Da Mud Run”.  This definitely beats the time that I was 16 years old and my girlfriends buried my parent’s Red LTD Ford on a snowmobile trail.  I know that my mother is going to read this, and I want to tell you one more time . . . . MOM IT WAS KEISHA AND SHEILA’S FAULT.  (Sheila is my mother’s niece, also known as Shannon).  At the time I was not in the car I was actually on the back of a Harley Davidson.  Ok, back to the Mud Run.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into signing up for this.  I absolutely did no research, paid the $50 and now the truth has finally started to come out.  Let me tell you something, I am not an athlete.   I have never been an athlete.  I was in track for one week, and made it to 1 track meet. . .  and then the coach Lawrence Vettleson needed someone to run the 2 miles in Crookston.  I finished the race, and never put those shoes on again.  I wasn’t bad, I was terrible.  I was on lap 3 of like 1,000 and everyone else was done.  I don’t run, I don’t do sit up’s, push’s ups to me are something that the Schwans man brings to my house, and curls are something that I use to put in my hair.   I am starting to get feedback on everything that is going to happen on this day, and I sure picked a fine time not to use to my ipad and do some research.  These girls are worried about ordering tank tops and calling our team the “Tuff Mudders”, I really want to tell them that no one is going to be looking at our shirts they are going to more focused on the girl swearing from start to finish and yelling at the top of her lungs, “If I live you girls better find your own way home”.  Keisha told me that we are a team and we are going to wait for one another to do each obstacle.  That my friend should have been my clue the word “Obstacle”, why don’t they just call a spade a spade and call it a “Death Trap”.  Oh and Keisha she is about as competitive as they get.  I refuse to be on the same team with her when it comes to a board game, now I am going to trust to lift me over a 10 foot wall???  She will leave me hanging and on the way home call me “fragile”.  The only thing that I climb into is bed.  Now we have to cross a river.  It was asked if we needed life jacket for those that can’t swim, of course I need a life body suit!  Yes I am 36 years old and can’t swim.  How you may ask yourself?  Well you see when you are 6 and think that your 9 year old brother is really awesome . . . but then doesn’t want you to play with him and his friends at Pine Lake, he holds your head underwater until you feel as though you are on the cusp of death.  Since then, I hate water.  I remember the last day I ever went to swimming lessons I ran off the bus in Fosston didn’t go to the school and went to Ben Franklin instead.  There was no way she was going to pass me, I was fully aware of the situation.  These girls are all training for this mud run.  I guess we have to climb monkey bars during one of the obstacles, and I’m sure will be full of mud just getting out of the river.  So my training is going to start tomorrow.  If you can’t find me at home, well I will be at the playground working on getting from one end of the monkey bars to the next.  I don’t know why I try though I was never able to do them before, I don’t know why I think that I am going to be able to do them now.  Until next week my friends.

 

Allie Enge

Thief River Falls, MN

High Heels and Dirty Dishes column 3

I am officially one animal closer to being labeled “Animal Hoarder”.   I am now the owner of 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a horse.  This was never my plan.  The first dog we have is Gunner; he is an outside dog, and is 11 years old.  About 7 years ago a stray female cat had a litter of 8 kittens and deserted the 1 week old babies in our playhouse.  I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I am not a cat lover.  I couldn’t let them die though, so with advice from the Humane Society and the local vet we took the kittens in.   $200 worth of supplies later. . . I had kitten milk, bottles, heating pads, and towels, I had to feed the kittens every 2 hours, and I quickly learned kittens that young don’t know how to go to the bathroom.  Rubber gloves, a wet paper towel and some stimulation over the toilet later they do go.  I honestly thought that I was going to have to go to therapy after that whole ordeal.  That is where my journey from 1 dog to “Animal Hoarder” started.  Now there is Oscar Peterson my miniature Schnauzer, Tillie Peterson my daughters crossed eyed cat, Orville Peterson my ½ English Toy Spaniel and ½ Cocker Spaniel, and now after last week we have Remington (Remy) Peterson my son’s black kitten.  He was what I like to call an unplanned pregnancy.  It was the first night of the fair and my son was running towards me holding this kitten.  My first words – WHERE DID YOU GET THAT.  He responded, “Don’t worry mom, it’s from the Free People”.  I looked in Nolan’s eyes and knew that there was no way that kitten was not going home with me without a major meltdown.  So with some former advice from my mother on “Picking Your Battles”. . . I have officially become that person that has to buy 50 pound bags of dog food, and the economy size containers of kitty litter.  The collection of animal’s toys now has a special “Toy Box”, and I talk to my animals like they little children.  My only saving grace in this whole situation is that I pray that my children have many kids just like them, and they live within 20 minutes of me.  Close enough that I can see them whenever I want, and far enough away that I can leave and have my own space.  I then will sit and wait patiently by the phone for the call that I get from them saying, “Can you believe what my kid just did”, from the tone of my parent’s voice it’s a wonderful payback.  Last week I dropped my son off at tennis practice and he wouldn’t hug me because “I would embarrass him”.  So when he started to walk around my side of the truck, I rolled down my window waved like a mad woman and loudly said, “HAVE A GOOD DAY AT TENNIS NOLAN. . .MOMMY LOVES YOU”.  The look on his face = priceless.  Since then hugs are in abundance because he knows the alternative.   Then my daughter had the nerve to ask me if it bothered me when I see other moms that are really pretty with kids.  So I smacked her on the head.  Yes, I realize that is not the correct parenting style, but come on here it didn’t hurt.  I honestly think that she was serious.   As I explain in graphic details to my mother what has happened, she sits at her table and smiles with THE LOOK.  The look with no words, but what the bubble over her head is really saying, “Oh it’s not so much fun now when the shoe is on the other foot”.   The bubble might as well say beneath it, “I have waited 36 years for this and the day is finally here and I couldn’t be happier”.  It’s not as though I haven’t heard that come from her mouth before.  We have all heard the saying, “Enjoy your kids when they are young because they grow up too fast”.  That is such a valid point, but really when your kids are rolling their eyes are you, refuse to clean their rooms. . And the term FLUSH THE TOILET doesn’t register, enjoyment isn’t the first thing that comes to my mind.  It’s more on the line of not being able to control the excitement of the thought of the having their own children one day.  I will also let you all in on a little secret.  I am a working stay at home mom that is REALLY excited about the Tuesday after Labor Day.  Until next week my friends. 

Allie Enge

Thief River Falls, MN