Tonight is Wednesday, and Wednesdays during Lent mean church meal at 6:00, and then church at 7:00. Sometimes I have to confess it would seem a lot easier if I agreed with the excuses in my head to stay home in my lounge wear, although again tonight for the third week in a row I didn't. Anyway during the meal we sat with friends of ours, and she was talking about my Facebook and how when she needs a giggle she will read about some of the things that I post. Like not allowing any pictures on my funeral board from the ages of 9-21, or posts about Noley Man. She then said something to me about my writing and how it reminds me of her daughter that passed away. I have heard that before from her, and when I write I sometimes think about her daughter. I also think about her when I make lefse, and I will send her a message or give her a call telling her. It is not that I do it specifically write to think about her, but it is one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. Tonight during the church service, on the way home, and even now am I absolutely ashamed of myself for the person that I am, and the person that I was to her daughter. Was she my friend? I wouldn't say that we were friends. There is one time that I remember being in Wal-Mart seeing her before hunting getting orange fabric for her dog so her dog wouldn't get shot, and I remember thinking, "Don't make eye contact". I am so ashamed of myself right now, and feel that I don't have the right to think about her when I write, and I sure and the hell don't have the right to call her parent's when I am making lefse to say that I am thinking about her. Why? What makes a person think that they are so much better than the next person to feel that they can't make eye contact with someone. Don't act like you haven't done it! We all have, I am ashamed and I am so sorry. Here is a parent that is always going to grieve for the loss of their child for the rest of her life and here I am writing and she reads it and it reminds her daughter. I don't deserve that praise, and I sure and the hell don't deserve that right. She never did anything to me, I let other people influence my opinion. My mom has told me on more than one occasion that with me, "What you see is what you get, if you have an issue with someone you will go right to the source, and that you are not fake". Well mom, tonight we were both proven wrong. I am a fake, and actions speak louder than words and my actions proved that I am.
Her sins were no greater than mine. I can't change what I did, but I can change how I continue the rest of my life and I hope you can too. We don't have to like everyone, you may hold a grudge against someone that is a valid grudge, that's fine. Someone might do something that directly affects you and your life in a negative way, that's ok that your not friends. However if you can't even give a simple "Hello" to someone in return that you have or have never talked to because you are think you are better than them, well shame on me, and shame on you.
When I write I may seem open and honest and what not. The truth is the same doesn't always go with my life. I am a private person, I have a small circle of close girlfriends. I don't always share everything with everyone. I am never going to be that person that has a girls outing with 17 of my closest friends. It might be 6 of close friends and then a +1 and a few straglers to make 17. I use to think that I wasn't fake, and now I guess I am a doubting Thomas.
I ask you to learn from my mistake, and be the person that you say you are. I am sorry that I never took the time to say hello, it may never have went any farther than that. One thing that I have learned is that sometimes a hello from someone unexpected can make a really shitty day a little less shitty even for those three seconds.
No comments:
Post a Comment