Ryan

When does it stop hurting?  When will my body prepare itself for the next wave of grief I feel when it comes to the loss of my brother.  Yes I know what the Bible says, what Pastor John and Pastor Joe say about heaven.  But right now heaven seems like an unattainable goal.  It's like being -40 outside and driving in blizzard conditions during the dead of night and trying to think about the hot summer nights when you can see the big dipper outside and wonder if it looks the same to everyone else around the world.  One doesn't think about summer when you are thrown into driving and not being able to see the white or the yellow lines.  You try to get through the next 20 seconds.  If I knew the second Tuesday of every other week I was going to have a breakdown maybe I could better prepare myself.  I was watching Nashville a little bit ago and seen Gunnar identify his dead brother and it brought so much back.  A hollow breathe of air and almost shakes your ribs it hurts so bad.  If you haven't gone through it you can't understand, if you have it's a terrible comparison.
I was in a car accident a few weeks ago, totalled my suburban.  I was lucky, my suburban looked worse than Ryan's truck did.  He was killed, and I wasn't.  I'm trying to think what was the last thing going through my mind before it happened.  The truth is it was something on the line of "That guy needs to slow down", I didn't die I'm here.  But if I was to that would be a stupid thing to have be the last thing cross my mind.  I've wondered what was on Ry's mind.  I have thought of things through the years I would think he would of said, I came to realize this week that there was nothing to say.  He didn't think he was going to die that night so he hadn't prepared a speech.  I didn't die that day, and I didn't prepare a speech either.  We all leave and enter this world in different ways.  Some of us enter crying, some of us not saying a word.  The same is to be said of when we leave.  Some of us leave with a last speech, and some of us don't.  If in heaven all of our lives were to be in separate books on Gods bookshelf, the beginning page no one really remembers anyway, and the last one only means that your story is done.